He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
