I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
whose parrot is this?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
