my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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