Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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