every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
