no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
