I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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