I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Cover your peen. We're going out.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
