You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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