he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
