i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
bring money and cleavage
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
