Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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