I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
