im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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