Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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