Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just had sex on a roof
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
