I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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