I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
