K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
