I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize
