I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
