Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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