i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
