I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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