ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
