I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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