I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
