I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
