When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
