walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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