Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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