I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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