SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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