I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
