someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Welp...herpes.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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