if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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