I wish I only lived at night.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I see more hoeing in ur future
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
