evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
