So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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