I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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