and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
