I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
