just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
