I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
