We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
