Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
