Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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