i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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