just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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