and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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